Connecting with your Child’s Heart

Many parents use a simple behavior modification approach to raise their children. “If you get your homework done, then you can go out and play.” “If you clean your room, then you can watch a video.”

Unfortunately children trained this way often develop a “What's in it for me?” mentality. “If I don't get something out of it, why should I obey?”

God is concerned with more than behavior. He's interested in the heart. The heart contains motivations, emotions, convictions, and values. A heart-based approach to parenting looks deeper. Parents still require children to finish their homework and clean up their rooms but the way they give the instructions is different.

Instead of just getting things done, parents look for long-term change in their kids. Sometimes children aren't ready to change on a heart level and parents must work to address the heart. That may mean more relationship to open the heart or it may involve more boundaries to show kids that they way they're living just isn't going to work.

A heart-based approach shares values and reasons behind rules. It requires more dialogue, helping children understand how their hearts are resistant and need to develop cooperation. A heart-based approach is firm but also relational. It's a mindset on the part of parents that looks to develop heart qualities that then bring about significant change.

As you consider your kids remember the words that God said to Samuel in 1 Samuel 16, “Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Connecting with a child is easier for some parents than others, and easier with some kids than others. Parents and kids have different personalities, likes, and dislikes. With some kids, connecting takes real creativity and persistence. Here are eleven suggestions to help you find ways to connect with your child’s heart.

1. Talking. Children often like to hear stories from your own childhood. Don’t feel like you have to tie a lesson into the story. Just tell it to them as if you were relating the details to a friend.

2. Listen to your kids. Take an interest in their activities and their day. Once they start talking, draw them out with more questions.

3. Touching. A hug or a gentle hand on a shoulder communicates warmth and love.

4. High-energy activities. Kids love excitement. Look for exciting activities to enjoy together.

5. Look for ways to share your child’s interests.

6. Give occasional special treats.

7. Find a task and work at it together as teammates.

8. Offer genuine praise for a job well done.

9. Have fun with your kids. Be silly, tell jokes, or wrestle.

10. New times in a child’s life set the stage to connect emotionally. Be there and available to share the moment.

11. Traumatic events provide opportunities to develop closeness. Remember that the most important thing isn’t fixing the problem, it’s restoring the heart.

In short, enjoy your kids and have fun with them. Take an interest in their lives. If you don’t feel like it, do it anyway. Your kids need your playfulness, love, affection, and joy. When you give to your kids, you contribute to their well-being and your family’s strength. Yes, it’s sacrifice, but the time you put in now will go a long way toward reducing friction when it’s time to confront or discipline.

This parenting tip is from the book,  Parenting is Heart Work by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.